It's been a while since I put a pen to paper...or fingertips to a keyboard to be more exact. It's times like these when I am speechless and impervious to what I need to write. My mind just sits there - once a brilliant brain now a pile of mush. I am just waiting for the day where my brain starts seeping out of my ears and onto my pillow at night. It feels like I have a symphony of pots and pans playing on a loop in my head that never ever seem to stop and give me a break. Its a masterpiece without an intermission. Where have I gone wrong?
I guess you can say I've been through a lot since my last post. "To Hell and Back" as they say - well...I feel like I missed the last bus back to reality and I am stuck in this Hell they call Life. I am at a low - The trust I once had for someone very close to me has been severed...the love and care I had for this person now gone. And of course, leave it to me...my motto once again comes into play, "I am just that lucky."
How can someone so close to you, sit there and call you heartless? I was told that I only think about myself...coming from the lips of someone who I thought meant the world to me. Someone who broke my trust and who just couldn't keep his damn mouth shut. People like that really piss me off...because people like that are only going to go through their entire lives using people and festering off the happiness of a person and using it against them. Its people like that that make me sick to my stomach. Well Hun - your facade has been uncovered...and you have been sought out. I know who you really are and you make me sick to my stomach. I cant believe that I ever fell for an asshole tool douche bag that you are. I guess I am never going to get away from that Home Depot Shopping. Everywhere I look there are tools everywhere and I hold the platinum-gold card to the warehouse. You changed alright...but you went back to who you used to be - someone I can't stand. Fuckers like you are the reason why Love barely exists in the world anymore...Fuckers like you.
How can one person change to the point where you do not know who they ever are anymore...the person you once knew now lost and forgotten in the woods of peril and shame. What can change a person so drastically...and so fast. Like a light switch - and poof! They're gone. As much as I am a people person, and as well as I can read people I am afraid that this has me stumped. I can admit to it though - in fact will be the first to admit it that since the new year I have changed as a person. I am still trying to figure out if it is for the better or for the worse or if there is even a middle ground to it all. If there is some limbo answer to my question I hope that its answered soon. I cant stay awake another night and go through another restless day trying to figure out what my purpose is, who I am, or if I even matter. I don't know what happened to that determined girl I used to be. She's still here I know she is...she's just lost in self-doubt and failed attempt at life.
I am not giving up...I have no reason too. My dedication and determination to so much isn't going to let me give up. I am going to keep on trucking through.
I am strong - It's going to take a lot to break me...I may have cracked a little...but I am stitched back up and stronger than ever.
