Talking into a Fan

I had someone tonight tell me that they have lost faith in relationships.

I laughed and muttered to myself under my breath "Welcome to the club"

That seems like such a tossed around phrase these days...

My grandfather turns 92 on Wednesday. When we surprised him with a birthday cake at my moms surprise party, he looked like he was going to cry. He stood up to say something, He started with a question, "What is a gift?" You hear responses at the different tables of friends and family members - all brought together to celebrate my moms birthday. He continued, "What is a gift? It isn't a present, or a treasure...no, a gift is this" As he points to everyone people started to look confused, "Its the gift of the connection you all share with each other...the smiles, the laughs, the memories. It is the connection you share that makes everyday worth living - and in my 92 years of living, I have been blessed with the best gifts God has to offer -- I love you all" Tears welled up in his eyes as he sat down to cover his face with his napkin. And for the first time, I saw him cry.

It is then when I realized, staring at this handsome aged gentleman in front of me that helped raise me, bounced me on his knee, flew me through the kitchen on holidays just to hear me giggle - that he was right. There really is no point in preaching to the choir anymore...Who wants to hear about someones relationship issues when we all have our own. Its one hell of fucking huge choir and we have all been there, are currently there, or are walking right into there. Regardless, we shouldn't dwell on the past, present or try to predict what is to come - we just have to be. We have to soak in the now because sooner than you know it, you'll be at that end table looking at your kids, their kids and hopefully their kids kids and you wont have anything to say...because you didn't just live.

Breathe, Live, Love. Happy 92nd Birthday Joseph Mignogna.

Brushing the Dust Off...

Well it has been a while, Since I put a pen to paper of course - Life has been so distracting and I feel like I've been distracted by all the wrong things. Talk about a reality check...Sitting here in front of a blank screen and it took me some time to start typing, Goodness Gracious I am out of practice. Where to start? =/

I fell in and out of Lust. It wasn't so much a falling out as it was a throwing away. I was disposed of. Should I feel used? Probably...Should I hate him? Maybe...but in those 10 months "dating" (yes kids...TEN months until he realized he didn't want to "lead me on" anymore with his silly head games) I learned something. I am invincible. It started out slow...actually the entire thing was slow. But once again Ladies, we have a new name to add to the book of boys who were so hurt in the past that it blocks them from feeling anything in the future. Great. Is it just me, or do boys these days have bigger vagina's than we do? Granted...it is not just him. (and no..I am not saying he's a big pussy) But I have heard my girlfriends talk and complain about how their significant others are no more significant than a wall or a blade of grass. What is wrong with this picture? I mean, yeah...so Chivalry is in fact dead...but I didn't know "manhood" died along with it! Maybe Its the state I'm currently dwelling in - perhaps I need a change of pace. Whose got the dice, I'm next to roll.

It's been a year. Rest her soul Its been a year since my Best friend, my Fiancho, passed away. I'm laughing...at all the memories we shared and I smile at the fact that I don't really talk about it much anymore. Nothing wrong with that...They say never dwell on the past - but how can you not? Your past makes you who you are and you have your past to thank for carving your future ahead of you. She is the reason I got my tattoo..."I carry the fallen" I get asked a lot what my tattoo represents (its a feather on my ribs). To me, it represents all of my friends and family members that have fallen to something bigger than themselves. A bird needs a feather like a feather needs a bird and when a bird loses a feather its like losing a fallen com rad. They are a team, one. That's what it means to me...I will always carry them...they are one with me.

Work Work Work. That's all I really seem to do...Work my life away. Now don't get me twisted, I'm blessed beyond all measures to have a job as nice as mine that pays well, and Oddly enough I love my job (assholes make my day) but being a collector is not something I see myself being future bound. Half the time I get told I have that "phone sex operator voice" by my co-workers and that I am a "god-sent miracle and a treasure to talk too" I mean...is this world really so Topsy-turvey that someone who I'm talking to, who owes the company I work for money, after arguing on the phone and bitching and moaning for an hour and 45 minutes tells ME that I am a bloody miracle - is completely barking mad! But - It does put a smile on my face.

I just moved into a house (right down from my work oddly enough) Its a nice house, 2 roommates, Billiards room, Pool and Hot Tub outside. And complete with 2 adorable little tiny dogs I mean, Barbie Ain't got nothin' on me, eh? Well Barbie - you're still a plastic cunt and this house...isn't so much my "dream house". Its great - it really is...but to me, its just a room I'm sleeping in, it doesn't feel like home which is probably why I am not having the best luck AT ALL in getting a good nights rest. Now, understand that if I cant sleep...I'm in that pool playing Nemo but it isn't all fun and games. I feel lonely...I live in a house with 2 roommates and I feel like I am in solitary confinement. What is wrong with me? I need to find me a Big Spoon and call it a night.

Penny for your thoughts? I cant begin to fathom on how much of a relief it is to be writing again...I seriously (only for a moment) thought when I was staring at my screen before I started shooting out letters from my fingertips, that I lost apart of myself - not being able to write anymore would have devastated me...

Me loose my touch??? Nahhh -- Keep in mind, I'm invincible.