The Limbic System

Since it's been a while since I've really got in depth with me - I think it's about time for a refresher course of who I am. It's always good to remind those looking in of who you are and what you're about. Some people...hell, even myself lose sight of it every now and then.

Now, there's a difference between me three years ago and today. For starters, I'm now 25 - I have grown up a lot, been through a lot, and lost a lot. I'll make it easy for you. I am NOT twenty-one year old party-till-I-drop-no-fucks-given-"yolo" Terace anymore...and I will never be her again. Those crying over wanting the old Terace back knock it off, shes dead. I am an adult. Forty plus hours a week, little downtime having Terace. I don't need bar drama and feeling like shit the next day Terace. Enough is Enough.

Next, I had some people come and go in my life...more so go then stay and I am okay with it. You didn't deserve me as a friend anyway because you never fought for our friendship. I am not going to waste my time with someone who keeps telling me, "I miss you, I love you" and makes zero efforts to hang. Two words for you - kick rocks. To the select few that have recently entered my life and have fought to stay - thank you. I don't have words to express the true value of our relationships and I only hope we continue to remain friends. 

I fucking fell in love. Fuck me. I wasn't expecting it and it hit me hard. Before love, I was on a toxic 7 month trip to hell that literally almost resulted in my death. I used to be a hardass. Nothing phased me, made of stone and steel - I never cried, ever. Falling in love, TRUE love, made me soft and I hate it. Stupid videos of stupid hopeless romantic bullshit pulls at my heart strings something fierce. When they say love changes a person...boy were they not kidding. The only was for me to ever get back to who I used to be is to never love again. I was a cold hearted bitch - I admit it. I gave zero fucks for anyone other than me. I don't want to be that person again...but I feel like love ruined me. I also believe in my heart of hearts that the man I fell in love with is the man I am supposed to grow old with. He broke down my walls and gave me a reason to live, to thrive and to grow. I wanted to be better and in turn gained some negative things from being in love. I got too comfortable. I'm in love, I found my better half, things are great. We start living together and I lost my mojo. Getting too comfortable caused me to be scatterbrained and forgetful at times. For being a smart woman I became a real dumbass. I used being in love as an excuse for my laziness in my relationship. I switched on cruise control and just coasted. It wasn't fair to me and especially not fair to my teammate. So now I am living back at my parents with the thought of loving someone who is willing to cut me off in a heart beat unless I "get better" and I don't know where to start other than taking it one day at a time. To try and prove I am me. I am not scared to speak my mind but I am afraid of losing my best friend - that could very much kill me. 

I have chosen to go back to school to complete the degree I want. It's going to be a tough gruesome road but the end result will be worth it. I will be able to work in the field of my choice doing what I want to do as opposed to something I am good at, but I have settled for for the last four years. The money is great...but the grey hairs aren't worth it anymore.

At the end of the day - I am a mess. I have a lot of work for me, but it's what I have to do to get back to that badass bitch I used to be. I need to balance my life, my love and my future in order to be successful. Can I do it? Hell yes. Is it going to be easy? Fuck no. But that's the thrill of it all. 

I am beautiful for my flaws, strong for my scars and perfect for imperfections. Love me for me, for I cannot offer something I am not built for. I can only offer me...all of me.

Well Then...

I don't know where to begin. It has been just shy of 3 years since I wrote here...that's a damn shame. I almost forgot how good I was at putting words to paper before someone reminded me of why I did it and what my writings meant to me, and others.

There is a lot on my mind, most of it is just random rabble but I feel like it all needs to come out for the sake of me. Not for the sake of anyone or anything else. I write for me, I share because deep down - we're all the same. 

 

My Last post was an emotional mouthful, high on love. It was brought to my attention last night, and that's what triggered my resurrection. Though my feelings from the last post still hold strong, that amazing man and I are no longer. Don't get your hopes up readers. We plan to work through this - two and a half years together has allowed us to grow a lot as a couple and as friends. He is my best friend and the love of my life, and remains as such. He has done so much for me and has really started to help me grow into the woman I am meant to be - but the journey towards that destiny must now be completed on my own. There has been a lot of crying, cursing at myself, hating myself for this - but this is what is needed, not just for us as a couple but most importantly me. I will be 25 this month, though mature for my age...I lost sight in my mind of who I am. I got lost in being in the relationship and I forgot about everything I had written 3 years ago. I need that love. I need Moulin Rouge love, Walk to Remember love, Notebook love. As sappy and "overrated" that love sometimes appears, its a love that I dreamed for...and once I finally had that love, I didn't know I had it and screwed it up. So now I have to find Sappy-Love-Loving Terace and bring her back. Those feeling are real, 1,000,000,000% real - they just got buried in me settling once I was in love and I forgot my role as his woman. I am supposed to be my mans right hand. We are supposed to be a team, an unbeatable team. We are supposed to be the power couple, the pair whose the envy of single and non-single folk, who look at us and say, "Damn...she's lucky she found her King" and "Damn...he's lucky he found her Queen" and "I want that." ...I had that, and blew it. I chew myself up day in and day out over it...but I know what I have to do. I have to look into myself to see where that woman I was growing up to be wandered off too. She took a vacation that wasn't needed and it cost me my happiness. But, we will be a team again. The love I feel for him is a love that I never knew existed at the time and it put me on my ass when it finally hit me. His kisses STILL, after two and a half years gives me butterflies in the stomach. If that isn't love then I don't know what is. We will get through this, this is my trial. And I will overcome. 

A few months ago, I had a conversation with a co-worker. She was upset with the status of her relationship with her spouse of 4 years. After sitting and talking with her - I could relate to some of the things she was going through, though minor - they play a big role in keeping a relationship strong. She is the kind of woman that does not like to put her relationship on blast - privacy is needed at times especially when it comes to something as intimate as a spouse. Her spouse is the same - he too also appreciates the privacy. What has her upset is as private as they are about their love life, she would still prefer to be shown off every once a while. (granted we are talking about on social medias, which doesn't really matter a whole lot - but its the principle) A picture here, a comment there...anything. What really upsets her is he re-tweets these pictures his friends post of gorgeous women (her words) - and they're most of the time naked. She explained it as feeling like she isn't good enough to be shown off and she has to compete and compare herself to these gorgeous, perfectly crafted strangers. Now my girl - is a bombshell, she is flawless. Perfect skin, beautiful eyes, she doesn't need a lot of makeup and doesn't overdo it, ever. Her hair is never out of place and she wears outfits that compliment her amazing curves. She says her relationship is amazing everyday but its these little things that make her feel like she isn't good enough. She feels as if she gets dressed up to go to work, people compliment her every day on her style - and yet all she wants is a "My Boo and I" picture posted from her man showing the world who he truly loves.

Now, I don't know what goes on in the social media world with the man I was with - but I wouldn't be surprised if he did something similar - repost pictures of beautiful naked women. Boys will be boys. (s.n I'm not calling him a boy - hes a man...you should know what I mean when I say that) I wouldn't blame him. But he too - was very private about our relationship. I didn't mind not being "Facebook official" or anything of that sort...but everyone once in a while a picture here or there showing the world that this is the woman that has your heart is something we, as women need. Some may deny it - but deep down we all want to be shown off. We all want that man that isn't afraid to post a picture with a stupid girly caption looking all goofy if its all in the name of love. I mean, isn't love itself goofy? It makes you feel weird and causes you to do bizarre things all for the sake of pleasing your other half. "Happy wife, happy life" right? Guys, you may feel totally weird and emasculate posting something like that...but keep in mind - women love it. Its sexy when a man shows his woman off, it makes us feel good about ourselves because lets face it - the world is throwing us so much negativity our way about how we are supposed to be "perfectly crafted." We need one person to be in our corner besides ourselves...and that's you.  

Another struggle I have is with having super close female friends. To be quite honest, I don't have any. (s.n I do have female friends, just none that relate to and share what Im about to rant about) It sucks, it really does. I also came to this realization when (again) at work I overheard two women talking in the bathroom about shopping, manis and pedis, celebrities, salons and so on. And it made me realize...I don't have that. I don't have a group of girls I can go out and dance with. When I need to go shopping, I make my list - get in and get out...all of that "spending 4 hours in a store and end up getting a pair of socks" bullshit is not my style. I would rather spend my day with my significant other, family, friends...ANYTHING but spending hours in 1 store. I don't have girls around me that I can relate too. I am a gamer, I love playing videogames. What stinks is I can't have a conversation about what attachments we prefer on our favorite guns for each map, or what type of runes and masteries we choose on our League Champ. SMG or Assault Rifle? Do you like the ACOG or Holographic Scope better? Now, I had recently joined an all female clan online, the Red Shoe Rebels. Composed of women only, we dominate games from the Call of Duty's, Borderlands, Battlefield, GTAs, LoL, WoW, and basically any other online game we can think of. We are everywhere...NA and EU ladies join up to destroy those stinky boys in clan wars. I have mostly guy friends I talk about games with...but it would be nice to meet a woman who shares the same interests as me, is my age and cool as shit without being overly weird. Again, lets face it - when you meet a "gamer girl" she's either super chill and loves videogames or super extra beyond nerdy and loves videogames...at the end of the day - we all had a crush on Dante (Devil May Cry)...well, maybe that was just me.

This is a new beginning.