Missed Arrow

Valentine's Day - 

A hallmark holiday set in place to pray on the lovestruck and beat down the loveless. A day where those lazy enough to make everyday Valentines go all out and those flying solo both scoff and wish for someone to just try. 

At the end of the day there are those who are thankful for St. Valentine, but we - the ones blind to love are just waiting for him to cure our sight in this prison of life and loneliness. Maybe one day we loveless miscreants will be accepted and chosen by Cupid himself but until then...just keep missing those arrows little guy and we will carry on strong..

Sober from Love

Written some time ago, never published, "The start of a downward spiral for me on a personal level. The one thing we all dread and hope it never comes. A breakup. Moving back home to my parents. Saying goodbye to my best friend. There was a lot to learn from the breakup. Reflecting both in myself and in those around me. It was the biggest test of all. After discussing a future, plans, moves, goals with this person I wanted to spend forever with. I have to start from scratch with just me. I was able to grow from this. Making myself stronger and reaching deep into myself to dig up some of the old me. Going back to pull together the woman I was in replace of the monster I became."

Today's Forecast: Sober from love. Rehabs a bitch. I can see clearly now. This poison finally flushed out of my system. And even though my heart may ache from time to time knowing all I do - I know it couldn't have been true love, could it have? I thought it was but the things he said to me, to spite and curse me. 5 years I invested in a man only to find out I wasn't the only one he invested in all those years. The feelings of never being enough peaked with the truth being revealed. A real man would accept the consequences of his mistakes, but it was the coward that ran that day. "I love you" - his biggest lie.

There were several times throughout our relationship where I was constantly told I needed to "get my shit together" but yet - I was. I'm stable, hardworking, driven, my bills are paid, fridge is full and head is sheltered. I now believe he was merely talking to himself, consumed by his demons. I know I am no saint, I have my flaws - but to give someone everything of you and they still demand more is taxing...especially when you find out you were only getting 20% and the rest of the 80%? Divided up between several other women. Funny how now I'm no longer mad. He tried telling me I was crazy - but with the proof literally in my hands his words could no longer hurt me, my chains were broken and that stupid thing he called love...revealed to be nothing but a mask to hide some awful truths. 

His words meant nothing, just like our relationship.

The Limbic System

Since it's been a while since I've really got in depth with me - I think it's about time for a refresher course of who I am. It's always good to remind those looking in of who you are and what you're about. Some people...hell, even myself lose sight of it every now and then.

Now, there's a difference between me three years ago and today. For starters, I'm now 25 - I have grown up a lot, been through a lot, and lost a lot. I'll make it easy for you. I am NOT twenty-one year old party-till-I-drop-no-fucks-given-"yolo" Terace anymore...and I will never be her again. Those crying over wanting the old Terace back knock it off, shes dead. I am an adult. Forty plus hours a week, little downtime having Terace. I don't need bar drama and feeling like shit the next day Terace. Enough is Enough.

Next, I had some people come and go in my life...more so go then stay and I am okay with it. You didn't deserve me as a friend anyway because you never fought for our friendship. I am not going to waste my time with someone who keeps telling me, "I miss you, I love you" and makes zero efforts to hang. Two words for you - kick rocks. To the select few that have recently entered my life and have fought to stay - thank you. I don't have words to express the true value of our relationships and I only hope we continue to remain friends. 

I fucking fell in love. Fuck me. I wasn't expecting it and it hit me hard. Before love, I was on a toxic 7 month trip to hell that literally almost resulted in my death. I used to be a hardass. Nothing phased me, made of stone and steel - I never cried, ever. Falling in love, TRUE love, made me soft and I hate it. Stupid videos of stupid hopeless romantic bullshit pulls at my heart strings something fierce. When they say love changes a person...boy were they not kidding. The only was for me to ever get back to who I used to be is to never love again. I was a cold hearted bitch - I admit it. I gave zero fucks for anyone other than me. I don't want to be that person again...but I feel like love ruined me. I also believe in my heart of hearts that the man I fell in love with is the man I am supposed to grow old with. He broke down my walls and gave me a reason to live, to thrive and to grow. I wanted to be better and in turn gained some negative things from being in love. I got too comfortable. I'm in love, I found my better half, things are great. We start living together and I lost my mojo. Getting too comfortable caused me to be scatterbrained and forgetful at times. For being a smart woman I became a real dumbass. I used being in love as an excuse for my laziness in my relationship. I switched on cruise control and just coasted. It wasn't fair to me and especially not fair to my teammate. So now I am living back at my parents with the thought of loving someone who is willing to cut me off in a heart beat unless I "get better" and I don't know where to start other than taking it one day at a time. To try and prove I am me. I am not scared to speak my mind but I am afraid of losing my best friend - that could very much kill me. 

I have chosen to go back to school to complete the degree I want. It's going to be a tough gruesome road but the end result will be worth it. I will be able to work in the field of my choice doing what I want to do as opposed to something I am good at, but I have settled for for the last four years. The money is great...but the grey hairs aren't worth it anymore.

At the end of the day - I am a mess. I have a lot of work for me, but it's what I have to do to get back to that badass bitch I used to be. I need to balance my life, my love and my future in order to be successful. Can I do it? Hell yes. Is it going to be easy? Fuck no. But that's the thrill of it all. 

I am beautiful for my flaws, strong for my scars and perfect for imperfections. Love me for me, for I cannot offer something I am not built for. I can only offer me...all of me.

Well Then...

I don't know where to begin. It has been just shy of 3 years since I wrote here...that's a damn shame. I almost forgot how good I was at putting words to paper before someone reminded me of why I did it and what my writings meant to me, and others.

There is a lot on my mind, most of it is just random rabble but I feel like it all needs to come out for the sake of me. Not for the sake of anyone or anything else. I write for me, I share because deep down - we're all the same. 

 

My Last post was an emotional mouthful, high on love. It was brought to my attention last night, and that's what triggered my resurrection. Though my feelings from the last post still hold strong, that amazing man and I are no longer. Don't get your hopes up readers. We plan to work through this - two and a half years together has allowed us to grow a lot as a couple and as friends. He is my best friend and the love of my life, and remains as such. He has done so much for me and has really started to help me grow into the woman I am meant to be - but the journey towards that destiny must now be completed on my own. There has been a lot of crying, cursing at myself, hating myself for this - but this is what is needed, not just for us as a couple but most importantly me. I will be 25 this month, though mature for my age...I lost sight in my mind of who I am. I got lost in being in the relationship and I forgot about everything I had written 3 years ago. I need that love. I need Moulin Rouge love, Walk to Remember love, Notebook love. As sappy and "overrated" that love sometimes appears, its a love that I dreamed for...and once I finally had that love, I didn't know I had it and screwed it up. So now I have to find Sappy-Love-Loving Terace and bring her back. Those feeling are real, 1,000,000,000% real - they just got buried in me settling once I was in love and I forgot my role as his woman. I am supposed to be my mans right hand. We are supposed to be a team, an unbeatable team. We are supposed to be the power couple, the pair whose the envy of single and non-single folk, who look at us and say, "Damn...she's lucky she found her King" and "Damn...he's lucky he found her Queen" and "I want that." ...I had that, and blew it. I chew myself up day in and day out over it...but I know what I have to do. I have to look into myself to see where that woman I was growing up to be wandered off too. She took a vacation that wasn't needed and it cost me my happiness. But, we will be a team again. The love I feel for him is a love that I never knew existed at the time and it put me on my ass when it finally hit me. His kisses STILL, after two and a half years gives me butterflies in the stomach. If that isn't love then I don't know what is. We will get through this, this is my trial. And I will overcome. 

A few months ago, I had a conversation with a co-worker. She was upset with the status of her relationship with her spouse of 4 years. After sitting and talking with her - I could relate to some of the things she was going through, though minor - they play a big role in keeping a relationship strong. She is the kind of woman that does not like to put her relationship on blast - privacy is needed at times especially when it comes to something as intimate as a spouse. Her spouse is the same - he too also appreciates the privacy. What has her upset is as private as they are about their love life, she would still prefer to be shown off every once a while. (granted we are talking about on social medias, which doesn't really matter a whole lot - but its the principle) A picture here, a comment there...anything. What really upsets her is he re-tweets these pictures his friends post of gorgeous women (her words) - and they're most of the time naked. She explained it as feeling like she isn't good enough to be shown off and she has to compete and compare herself to these gorgeous, perfectly crafted strangers. Now my girl - is a bombshell, she is flawless. Perfect skin, beautiful eyes, she doesn't need a lot of makeup and doesn't overdo it, ever. Her hair is never out of place and she wears outfits that compliment her amazing curves. She says her relationship is amazing everyday but its these little things that make her feel like she isn't good enough. She feels as if she gets dressed up to go to work, people compliment her every day on her style - and yet all she wants is a "My Boo and I" picture posted from her man showing the world who he truly loves.

Now, I don't know what goes on in the social media world with the man I was with - but I wouldn't be surprised if he did something similar - repost pictures of beautiful naked women. Boys will be boys. (s.n I'm not calling him a boy - hes a man...you should know what I mean when I say that) I wouldn't blame him. But he too - was very private about our relationship. I didn't mind not being "Facebook official" or anything of that sort...but everyone once in a while a picture here or there showing the world that this is the woman that has your heart is something we, as women need. Some may deny it - but deep down we all want to be shown off. We all want that man that isn't afraid to post a picture with a stupid girly caption looking all goofy if its all in the name of love. I mean, isn't love itself goofy? It makes you feel weird and causes you to do bizarre things all for the sake of pleasing your other half. "Happy wife, happy life" right? Guys, you may feel totally weird and emasculate posting something like that...but keep in mind - women love it. Its sexy when a man shows his woman off, it makes us feel good about ourselves because lets face it - the world is throwing us so much negativity our way about how we are supposed to be "perfectly crafted." We need one person to be in our corner besides ourselves...and that's you.  

Another struggle I have is with having super close female friends. To be quite honest, I don't have any. (s.n I do have female friends, just none that relate to and share what Im about to rant about) It sucks, it really does. I also came to this realization when (again) at work I overheard two women talking in the bathroom about shopping, manis and pedis, celebrities, salons and so on. And it made me realize...I don't have that. I don't have a group of girls I can go out and dance with. When I need to go shopping, I make my list - get in and get out...all of that "spending 4 hours in a store and end up getting a pair of socks" bullshit is not my style. I would rather spend my day with my significant other, family, friends...ANYTHING but spending hours in 1 store. I don't have girls around me that I can relate too. I am a gamer, I love playing videogames. What stinks is I can't have a conversation about what attachments we prefer on our favorite guns for each map, or what type of runes and masteries we choose on our League Champ. SMG or Assault Rifle? Do you like the ACOG or Holographic Scope better? Now, I had recently joined an all female clan online, the Red Shoe Rebels. Composed of women only, we dominate games from the Call of Duty's, Borderlands, Battlefield, GTAs, LoL, WoW, and basically any other online game we can think of. We are everywhere...NA and EU ladies join up to destroy those stinky boys in clan wars. I have mostly guy friends I talk about games with...but it would be nice to meet a woman who shares the same interests as me, is my age and cool as shit without being overly weird. Again, lets face it - when you meet a "gamer girl" she's either super chill and loves videogames or super extra beyond nerdy and loves videogames...at the end of the day - we all had a crush on Dante (Devil May Cry)...well, maybe that was just me.

This is a new beginning. 

Cobwebs and Dustbunnies

My last post was over a year ago - holy shit, it has really been that long since I put a pen to paper...so to speak. Let's shake off this dust, see what I can't give ya - hopefully this lady still has it.

Its 1:24am, I can't sleep...I'm watching the Moulin Rouge - I found it on Netflix, which I have been dying to see for quite some time now. A lot has changed for me...looking back I laugh at the chaotic stupidity that I used to write, so nieve - so young...

Let's recap:

I was living with this woman, renting a room kinda...this was only after the apartment with my sister fell through and halfway through the lease my sister jumped ship and moved down to Florida with her then fiance, they are no longer together. Anyway, living with this woman was - odd and rather uncomfortable. I felt like I couldn't take a pee without being watched, judged or critiqued. It was a pretty sweet pad, right down the road from my work - which was super convenient on my lunch breaks - I would scurry home and take a half hour nap...that was also before they moved us to the new(old as dirt) building. While I was living there, I started talking to this boy - I call him a boy because for being 29 years old, he was as mature as....well I cannot really think of anything to compare his mature-ness too because he was frankly far from. A complete man-child. 7 months that ended with a loaded gun to my head and messed up ribs, I'm guessing its a chapter in my life that had to be written...they really don't lie when they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It was a chapter in my life that really took a toll on me, both physically and mentally - I began to not put so much effort into anything really, I was trapped - a slave to the illusion I was happy and content.

After that ended, I promised myself that I wouldn't do it again - I was done looking for love, and done trying to figure out something that didn't want to be sought...Thinking I threw it out - it boomeranged and smacked me square in the forehead putting me on my ass...

*Side note: This movie is so distracting, when I first saw this movie I wanted love more than anything...I guess that is why it failed over and over and over - a circle of no's and not good enoughs - that is over.

I have fallen in love...head over heels beyond words - the way this man makes me feel, I get lost in my thoughts - nothing else exists when I am with him, and when I think or talk about him...I am told I light up like the sun. It scares me still, I have never felt this way for anyone before...The feelings I get from him are toxic, addicting and leave me wanting more. I miss him hours before he has to leave me or I him. He is the first person I say hello to when I wake up, and he is the last person I say goodnight too. Everything is so simple with us - no fighting, no tiffs, we are both too grown to squabble like chickens. A healthy debate now and then - yes please...but we have come to the conclusion that if we ever get into a fight fight - we're going to first realize it, laugh and move on. Simple. He makes me feel complete. He's my teammate and my best friend - So this is really what love is?

I also moved to a new place, I live with people who I can relate too and I live in a house that for once in my life I actually can say that where I live feels like home. That is all I have to say about that.

This about sums it up for me right now - I am afraid that you have lost me to the Moulin Rouge....

"The greatest thing...You'll ever learn...Is just to love....and be loved in return"

Sweet dreams. <3

Talking into a Fan

I had someone tonight tell me that they have lost faith in relationships.

I laughed and muttered to myself under my breath "Welcome to the club"

That seems like such a tossed around phrase these days...

My grandfather turns 92 on Wednesday. When we surprised him with a birthday cake at my moms surprise party, he looked like he was going to cry. He stood up to say something, He started with a question, "What is a gift?" You hear responses at the different tables of friends and family members - all brought together to celebrate my moms birthday. He continued, "What is a gift? It isn't a present, or a treasure...no, a gift is this" As he points to everyone people started to look confused, "Its the gift of the connection you all share with each other...the smiles, the laughs, the memories. It is the connection you share that makes everyday worth living - and in my 92 years of living, I have been blessed with the best gifts God has to offer -- I love you all" Tears welled up in his eyes as he sat down to cover his face with his napkin. And for the first time, I saw him cry.

It is then when I realized, staring at this handsome aged gentleman in front of me that helped raise me, bounced me on his knee, flew me through the kitchen on holidays just to hear me giggle - that he was right. There really is no point in preaching to the choir anymore...Who wants to hear about someones relationship issues when we all have our own. Its one hell of fucking huge choir and we have all been there, are currently there, or are walking right into there. Regardless, we shouldn't dwell on the past, present or try to predict what is to come - we just have to be. We have to soak in the now because sooner than you know it, you'll be at that end table looking at your kids, their kids and hopefully their kids kids and you wont have anything to say...because you didn't just live.

Breathe, Live, Love. Happy 92nd Birthday Joseph Mignogna.

Brushing the Dust Off...

Well it has been a while, Since I put a pen to paper of course - Life has been so distracting and I feel like I've been distracted by all the wrong things. Talk about a reality check...Sitting here in front of a blank screen and it took me some time to start typing, Goodness Gracious I am out of practice. Where to start? =/

I fell in and out of Lust. It wasn't so much a falling out as it was a throwing away. I was disposed of. Should I feel used? Probably...Should I hate him? Maybe...but in those 10 months "dating" (yes kids...TEN months until he realized he didn't want to "lead me on" anymore with his silly head games) I learned something. I am invincible. It started out slow...actually the entire thing was slow. But once again Ladies, we have a new name to add to the book of boys who were so hurt in the past that it blocks them from feeling anything in the future. Great. Is it just me, or do boys these days have bigger vagina's than we do? Granted...it is not just him. (and no..I am not saying he's a big pussy) But I have heard my girlfriends talk and complain about how their significant others are no more significant than a wall or a blade of grass. What is wrong with this picture? I mean, yeah...so Chivalry is in fact dead...but I didn't know "manhood" died along with it! Maybe Its the state I'm currently dwelling in - perhaps I need a change of pace. Whose got the dice, I'm next to roll.

It's been a year. Rest her soul Its been a year since my Best friend, my Fiancho, passed away. I'm laughing...at all the memories we shared and I smile at the fact that I don't really talk about it much anymore. Nothing wrong with that...They say never dwell on the past - but how can you not? Your past makes you who you are and you have your past to thank for carving your future ahead of you. She is the reason I got my tattoo..."I carry the fallen" I get asked a lot what my tattoo represents (its a feather on my ribs). To me, it represents all of my friends and family members that have fallen to something bigger than themselves. A bird needs a feather like a feather needs a bird and when a bird loses a feather its like losing a fallen com rad. They are a team, one. That's what it means to me...I will always carry them...they are one with me.

Work Work Work. That's all I really seem to do...Work my life away. Now don't get me twisted, I'm blessed beyond all measures to have a job as nice as mine that pays well, and Oddly enough I love my job (assholes make my day) but being a collector is not something I see myself being future bound. Half the time I get told I have that "phone sex operator voice" by my co-workers and that I am a "god-sent miracle and a treasure to talk too" I mean...is this world really so Topsy-turvey that someone who I'm talking to, who owes the company I work for money, after arguing on the phone and bitching and moaning for an hour and 45 minutes tells ME that I am a bloody miracle - is completely barking mad! But - It does put a smile on my face.

I just moved into a house (right down from my work oddly enough) Its a nice house, 2 roommates, Billiards room, Pool and Hot Tub outside. And complete with 2 adorable little tiny dogs I mean, Barbie Ain't got nothin' on me, eh? Well Barbie - you're still a plastic cunt and this house...isn't so much my "dream house". Its great - it really is...but to me, its just a room I'm sleeping in, it doesn't feel like home which is probably why I am not having the best luck AT ALL in getting a good nights rest. Now, understand that if I cant sleep...I'm in that pool playing Nemo but it isn't all fun and games. I feel lonely...I live in a house with 2 roommates and I feel like I am in solitary confinement. What is wrong with me? I need to find me a Big Spoon and call it a night.

Penny for your thoughts? I cant begin to fathom on how much of a relief it is to be writing again...I seriously (only for a moment) thought when I was staring at my screen before I started shooting out letters from my fingertips, that I lost apart of myself - not being able to write anymore would have devastated me...

Me loose my touch??? Nahhh -- Keep in mind, I'm invincible.