Fresh out the Dreamer.

Interesting dream I had last night. Enjoy.

I got thrown into this world - It was a world of robots, water breathing dogs, evil mothers and innocent children. Where a car race was meant to end a persons life and the society where people were brought into was as twisted as the braids in the women's hair.

Everyone looked as if they were dressed ready to board the Titanic - yet acted like they were meant to be in the future. Surrounding us everyday were robots to help out with our everyday needs, go to the store, watch the kids. They were lovable and able to handle any situation. Even though I felt like an outsider - I was thrown into this family of 4. The McCall's. Doesn't sound like much of a family with a name like that - but they are the wealthiest family in this world. The wife, Jeanne - is the proud founder of the creation of this "perfect world" - robots and all. Her Husband Derek, the leading and only survivor of this "death car race" getting a thrill of death crawl under his skin. And their two children Anitta and Charlie, were the pearls of the sea. Thrown into this family, I was treated like I was one of them. I looked out for the children...adored them to be quite frank. Mother was always away and Father was always being challenged. But who I got to know the most was the Robot - Phi1.

Phi1 or Phi, was the first of its kind - flawless. No Mistakes before, and no mistakes after. Jeanne bore the seal of approval on her brow as she smiled at her creation. From then on, money was a thing of the past. As much as people paid for these robots - The McCall's never had to pay for a thing in their lives from then on out. They were Celebrities, they were looked at as Gods in a pool of humans. Everyday seemed like a different celebration - dresses and suits were worn on the norm and everyone toasted to "the perfect life" and "the perfect world" every night. What they didn't know...is it was far from perfection.

The first decent conversation I had in this world was with Phi. Shocked as I was - I learned one thing. As Perfect as Phi was, he was almost too perfect. He adapted to society, learned and harnessed what was being told to him and what was being said and seen around him. Jeanne made him so flawless, she forgot to give him a level adaptor...and so Phi learned everything, grew in his computer. He was at no harm though - he became disgusted with human and they way they think and how they act when the alcohol gets in their system. I laughed at the way Phi perceived things and went on teaching him about humans. Id have to say, Phi became a companion in my discovery of this world.

My first encounter with the kids was at the McCall's ranch house. As rich and loved as they were...their house was a dump. I remember seeing the shingles of the roof wave at you as the wind blew, and there was a tall 9 foot fence around the entire property. A small house at that...almost looked like a lighthouse. Entering the gate of the property I noticed how wet the ground it...where it looked like there was supposed to be a pool there, there were numerous plateaus and on there were about a dozen or so tiny dogs. Strange thing was these dogs were submerged under water. I was shocked and frightened for them...when Phi then told me that the dogs are thirsty. I laughed, "They are under water...this makes no sense." Phi responds with, "Neither do I - but that hasn't stopped you from believing in me." With that being said, I tried to give the dogs water, just dumping buckets in their already watery atmosphere and I hear a little voice, "You have to drain the water miss." I spin around to see 2 children, around the same age smiling at me, hand in hand. I figured why not, and began to drain the water...and the dogs began to spring to life. I then filled up about 3 buckets of water and they drank. With a feeling of accomplishment I walked over and sat down next to the Children. "My names Ari, whats yours?" were the words that came out of my mouth...that wasn't my name though...was I really saying this? The little boy spoke first, must have been 9 or 10 at the most, "I'm Charlie, and this here is my sister Anitta - its nice to meet you." They both bowed at my presence as if I was royalty and I shook off an eerie feeling. The Next thing I hear is an engine...and an Orange muscle car comes rolling up beaten to a pulp. As the door squeaks open, it falls off its hinges and a handsome man possibly in his mid 30's stepped out. Tall and built with dirt smudges on his face and a smile of perfect teeth from cheek to cheek. I stand in almost awe as he comes through the gated fences and comes up to me. "You must be Ari, welcome to our home." Still in awe I was unaware that he was holding his hand out for me to shake, I get a small unnoticeable nudge from Phi and I reach for his hand to shake it - but It was brought to his lips, which gently met the outside of my hand with a tiny kiss. "P-P-Please to meet you sir," I respond with, his emerald green eyes captivating and he smiles again, "See you watered the dogs," he chuckles, "another one of Jeanne's creations I should say, though I'm much too confused to why they wont drink the water they are in when they are thirsty." I chuckled at that thought, and peered over at his accordion of a car. "Oh I wouldn't worry about that," He says and looks over his shoulder at the junk that sat at the curb," it will fix itself in a couple hours and I'll be ready for the next race.

The Next Race...What I didn't understand is why someone would put their lives on the line for such a dangerous race. There is one hell of an adrenaline rush out of this race. Derek has been the only unbeatable driver of this race. Yes, there have been some people who have survived a race or two, but they never can get past three...only Derek. Rigged? It might have been - Since he is the husband of the "founder" of "the perfect world" - Jeanne. I have let to come across her- leaning in towards Phi, I ask him where I could find her. He looks at me and speaks, "We don't go looking for mother, she always seems too busy for anything not work related." I shook my head and told Phi that I was going to go looking for her, and that he was welcome to come alone. He nodded and preceded to follow me, to look out for me for my "protection." I didn't know what I needed protection from, but I enjoyed his company.

When approaching the festivities hall - I could see that everyone was dressed up to their highest standards. Women in flowing long gowns and men in tuxes and zoot suits. I looked down at my clothing and realized that I wouldn't have been able to make in into the doors without getting stares, jeers and god knows what else. I turned towards Phi who was plugging something into his arm. In his hand a little cup had formed, and in the cup - this glittery looking slime. He looked at me and offered me the cup, "No thanks - I'm not thirsty" I replied to his offer and he shook his head, "This will give you something to wear. It isn't the normal way of dressing a human but at times like this is well needed." I took the cup and stared down at the liquid. With a disgusting look on my face I closed my eyes and swallowed the fluid which as soon as it hit my insides began to churn my stomach and cause an uneasy pain in my limbs. Almost collapsing, Phi holds me up from my arms as thread begins to spin around me. "What the -" I looked up at Phi who still holds me. "The threads will spin you a dress, the fluid inside of you reads who you are and will make you a dress designed to your personality woven right to your body, looking perfect." Another sharp pain in my limbs, feeling as if a thousand needles and threads have been poking through my skin over and over again. I close my eyes and in the matter of moments I feel Phis grip leave me, I place me hands on my torso only to feel fabric. I open my eyes to see a white mermaid dress, with woven straps engraved with gold thread and around my neck, a necklace with a big emerald diamond, as green as Derek's eyes and as large as one of the children's fists. my hair had been done in a side sweep, braided with golden thread as well, with big french curls looking flawless. Phi produces a mirror in the palm of his hand and shows me my face, so tame and elegant, my makeup had been done to a shimmery smokey eye and my lips glow a bright red. I smile up at him as he offers me his elbow to escort me inside, I smile and we enter the festivities hall.

"I feel like the youngest one here," I whispered to Phi. The festivities hall was packed with adults who were decked out in their best outfits. Some of which looked like they should have stay buried in the bottom of that chest they probably found in their attic. As I walk in, I got looks, stares and whispers. It seemed as if I was the only one being escorted in by a robot. Security seemed to find its way to me and although they tried to stay distant...I knew who they were. "Phi...This isn't robot like, and I think they've noticed." Phi looks around - him too dressed in a white zoot suit smiles and continues to walk, "Don't let it bother you, it hasn't bothered me so far." I look at him, "Phi - If they think something is a miss, they wont hesitate to kill me. They can't do anything to you because you're the first...you're the immortal." Phi looks down at me and he knew I was right, straightening out his arms he fell behind me a little and I knew he was trying to blend in...but he was still the only robot in a suit. I get approached by a couple, "Excuse me - why is your robot wearing a suit." I looked back at Phi and then towards the couple, "I feel uncomfortable with him walking around naked." I replied. "But he's a robot - he doesn't feel...why should that bother you?" I snickered and responded, "It's out of courtesy...you wouldn't want to be dragged around naked in public now, would you?" With a quirked eyebrow I turned and left the couple standing there open mouthed in shock at my response. I continue to move towards what looked like the center of the room. Looking for someone who would possibly be Jeanne. And then I saw her, easily noticeable at her flawless physique. She stood about 5 foot 8, thin with blond gorgeous curls sweeping her shoulders, Her skin pail as snow and her eyes a reddish gold. A unique color for any human. As I approached her she turned and looked towards me, her motions effortless. She smiles and extends her hand. "You must be Ari, my goodness how precious you are." I reach for her hand and turned back towards Phi, who was looking down at the ground...not a motion to him. "I am Jeanne, please to meet you and welcome. How do you like it so far?" As she pulled me onto her little pedestal, I peer around to the party goers, frolicking and gay with emotion and drinking their champagne and eating their orderves their faces showing no sign of sadness, except for that one couple who approached me, their faces a grim scowl. "It's a lovely place I must say," I replied, "I wouldn't have been able to find my way around if it wasn't for Phi." I smiled towards him, but still no motion...Jeanne looked at me and her eyes seemed to shine, "I think its time you and I had a little chat...since you're here..." she snapped her fingers and the pedestal which we stood on began to rise, scaring me I let out a little shriek causing Phi to look up analyzing the situation began to figure out where I was going. There was a little hole about 4 stories above the party that, when the pedestal stopped rising we stood in a room. She began to walk away and I hopped off where I was originally standing, the circle disappearing into the rest of the ground.

"There are rules around here, that you must follow," she began, "Rules that if broken...the punishment can be consequentially deadly." The sound of her heels on the floor versus the tapping of her fingernails to one another caused me to really put up my guard. "Bringing a robot around here is one thing...but dressing him up, showing him off like as if you were married to him well that's -" she paused and peered over her shoulder, "that's disgusting. I mean you're an attractive young lady, I am sure you can find yourself a suitable fellow...no need to be parading around town with a robot" I looked at her, unable to gather words to say...she isn't an elderly couple to me - this woman has power, if not more...this woman IS power. Her word is law around here so choosing my words carefully is something that I had to do...not something I was easy at. "Jeanne..." I started causing her to stop her back to me, hands on her hips.

"Yes?" She replied.

"Why bring me here, to this place when you clearly didn't give the time of day to teach me these rules?" I paused, "Were you expecting me to trial and error my mistakes on my own? What happened if I made a mistake that couldn't be undone...that's on me! That's my life you re playing a roulette with - which I don't think is fair on your part. I am not a chess piece." I stopped to catch myself mid rant and Jeanne has turned and looked at me, her red eyes piercing through my soul almost. "My Dear, you are a chess piece. You moved yourself to this exact location - I had nothing to do with how you got here, your decisions and actions are what lead you to this time and place." She snaps her fingers and some of the security guards appear holding guns all pointing towards me, their little red lasers placing little red dots across my body. "I'm sure you can figure out what happens next, I could give you a hint if you'd like?" Her finger at the ready to give the command, glass begins to fall from above as Phi jumps down landing next to me, a stern look on his face. Jeanne shocked at the way her robot has reacted she tells her guards to lower their weapons in fear of breaking the robot.

"Phi...darling," she begins, "What are you doing...you're on the wrong side. Come over here to your creator and let me fix you right up." she extends her hand towards Phi but he reaches down and takes my fist, causing me to relax and lock fingers with his. Jeanne getting angry at this site takes a couple steps forward, "What are you doing Phi? You listen to your master - come here now." Getting frustrated with the robot, I let out a chuckle and look up at her, "You don't get it, do you? You created the perfect machine...what you didn't know is that this entire time, your machine has adapted and learned about you...about this "perfect" world, about people. He's a learning machine...He's learned to do so much and you just sat there and pretended like everything was okay. You are so wrapped up in your successes, you haven't realized that your biggest success is your only flaw." I unlock my fingers with Phi's and step forward towards the woman. She looks at me, mouth gaped and laughs, "You think I believe that! He's a robot...carbon fiber with wires and a computer chip here and there...easily manageable."

I shook my head and stepped even closer to her, "you're wrong Jeanne, Phi has become immortal throughout the time. He has adapted himself to any sort of problem solving, problem causing, natural, unnatural event there is out there. What you created...he perfected himself. Jeanne, what you don't understand is..." I took yet another couple steps closer, giving us about an arms distance between us, "...is Phi can feel, Hes adapted enough to have emotion, what you couldn't accomplish...your greatest accomplishment did for you." I smirked as she looks at Phi, who also had a smile on his face and looks back at me, "Impossible." She whispers as she screams and pulls something out of her dress, and shoving it into my stomach. A blade, a piece of glass, something sharp enough to penetrate skin. I gasp and step back, being met by Phi who gripped at my shoulders and looked at her. I look down expecting to see my life bleed out of me but there was nothing. My white dress has not been stained at all - I didn't get it. I have been wounded but I was not bleeding, nor was I dying. I still stood my ground, not queasy nor vision blurred. Jeanne looked at me shocked, "How are you -" She raises her hand to her lips, shocked, "What have you done to prevent this?" Phi steps forward, and turns to pull the blade out of me, dropping it to the ground and turns back around towards Jeanne.

"What you failed to realize," he began, "is while you are parading around here living what you think is your accomplished life," he motions towards me, "I happened to accomplish something you only dreamed about." I looked at him, at Jeanne who still stared hand to mouth in shock. The reality hit me, "You mean....I'm not real?" I turned towards Phi as a lump in my throat began to form. Phi took my hand again and shook his head. "No Ari, you are as real as it could be. You are real enough to fool everyone into thinking you are in fact human. You gained the trust of the children and even the trust of Derek" He smiles, "And you have shown me what love really is." He put his hand on my cheek - and I felt it. Was I that advanced that I was just as close to being human. Was I immortal as well? I turned towards Jeanne and stepped forward. "I think it's time you let us go." Jeanne, tears forming in the corner of her eyes reaches out and touches my arm drawing back as sobs began to come in threes, "She's....You're...s-so...beauti-ti-ful. H-How di-i-d yo-u?" Phi pulls me back as she falls to her knees sobbing in her hands. Smirking, I take Phi's hand and we go back to where the pedestal was and I only had to think about it to lower...it did. It listened to me. We won, but as we are lowered back to the party, in a locking embrace I got to thinking, what did we win exactly? This world, our freedom, is it all ours? Or are we just starting a quest for our lives...whatever they are.

Holy Macaroni!

It has been 2 days since I have slept..........

I know I should be thinking, "what the holy fuck is wrong with me?" I am actually highly impressed with the tasks I accomplished during my REM-Rebellion.

I was laying in my bed...2am --- 3am ---3:01am --- the time just seemed to move at an insanely slow pace, and my eyes were not shutting, my body was not giving up, and my mind was not giving into the desire to dream. It was as if I was stuck in a second world limbo - just stuck, not here nor there. Flat-lined.

I was awake when my mother woke my little sister up for school, and being it 6 in the morning...my little sister was cranky. So, I waltzed into her room and kindly asked her (since she tends to scream and belt in the morning) "you would like me to take you to school today?" Seeing it as giving her an extra half hour to sleep, she responded with a brutal and almost painful sounding, "uh-huh"

The drive to school was an energetic one, windows rolled down (minus mine - the driver window was stuck from a fused switch. 483.05 dollars later and its good to go, which will be explained later) the music was blasting, smiles all around. Yes, we were getting stares and looks from people...but who gave a fuck? Not I - I was having fun. I mean, given it was 7:30am in the morning, people driving at insanely slow paces sipping their Dunk'n Donut coffees and scarfing down their bagels and schmere...it was a relatively great way to start a morning. While I was driving, my phone was in my back pocket. I had gotten a new phone not too long ago, do to an unfortunate and very dramatic death to my old one - I upgraded to the Verizon DARE. not a bad phone, all touch screen which makes texting a driving a new challenge to overcome.

Arriving at home, I had all this energy...I had no idea what I was going to do - so I did the only logical thing, I ran. After my first mile I stopped to get some water and realized that I could probably keep going...so I did. 4 miles later -- I stop. Man did I feel great. It has been a while since I ran anything, I was so proud of myself. I mean, c'mon.

After I ran, I showered and hung out for a little before 11:45 when I had to go to Otto's Mini in West Chester to get my window fixed because it had fused and was not working. The people at Otto's all know me by first name I have been there so often. I brought my laptop because I knew I was going to be there for a while. I finally got my car back at 3pm...

That is all I have to say about that.

It all started with Bacon

The other day, my mother yelled at me for making eggs and bacon.

She started rambling about this Swine Flu, and how eating bacon is going to be the end of me.

Well mom, the only thing bacon is going to end is the pants I plan of wearing x amount of days from now.

17 cases at the university. 4 of them actually confirmed - my mother worries like the weather changes in one day. rain, sunshine, hail, rain, snow, sunshine, thunderstorms. from midnight to noon its a constant nag.

The favorite threat that gets thrown my way from my father is, "If you don't do ____ you're going to get kicked out" I have heard that for years.....and still the only time I have been kicked out was when my mother told me to find my real parents because she didn't love me anymore. She denies saying that...but there were 3 other people in the kitchen when she screamed it for the whole universe to hear. I am sure my alter ego in another galaxy on another planet is snickering at the words she pierced my heart with.

All it took was bacon to realize that once again - I am unhappy with my surroundings. I break rules to make myself happy, unaware of who I hurt in the process. Does that make me selfish? Or am I just doing the right thing to look out for myself, for my well being?

I hold in my hand more questions than answers, once again.

Pick and Choose

It's been an interesting couple of days for me.

Rainy, groggy, and nasty outside...

On days like today, interesting conversations have been buzzing through the air. Outside the hotel, the cherry blossoms fall to where they almost look like rain or snow. An optical illusion brought to you by mother nature, and at a second glance you realize - it actually isn't just the blossoms at all, but it is raining as well. The rain comes and goes as if almost being controlled by a light switch of some sort.

Working the front desk on a sold out night, can be as busy as it is dead. There have been times when I swear to you, I start seeing tumbleweeds dancing across the lobby floor. Working with the people behind the front desk - being the youngest has its perks. I have become the entertainer of the front desk. When I am not happy, no one is happy. I have that weird effect on people. I am like a human sun, changing peoples moods based on my own "sunlight." It's a gift equal to a curse - but I can't pick and choose what I am made of.

Cannot pick and choose.

The Rock

When it comes to my dreams - like many, they tend to jump around from scenario to scenario. I do not know why my dreams do not stay on a constant path throughout my REM sleep, but I have learned to not interrupt or try to alter the path it runs on...but rather watch and listen to whats happening in my head.

Last night, I woke up without the end of a scenario. It ended like those crappy movies that just cut off and do not tell you the outcome of a characters decision. I only say this because I recently saw Swing Vote - and I do not recommend it for people who dislike endings like that. (Sorry English for beating you up over it - it was such a shitty movie ending though!)

There was this rock on the side of a cliff. There were trees around the rock, and areas to sit and watch the festivities. There were people jumping off this rock, and into water underneath. The water underneath looked something like a Dam, with a little mini waterfall and what rested awfully close to the side of the cliff - which you could easily snag or cut yourself on the reaching out roots, branches and rocks on your way down. The trip down looked like it was a million feet beneath us. Most of the people I did not know, some of their faces resembled people who I have seen, but have not the opportunity to meet. They all seemed to be jumping off this rock, unaware of where they might land, and each time - pop their heads out of the water with a smile on their faces.

And so, it was my turn. The adrenaline was shooting through my body like a bullet through a gun barrel - what a wonderfully terrifying drug. I step up to the rock, wiggling my toes in the puddle of water beneath my feet, the wind blowing in my hair and around my body, eyes closed with a smirk on my face. My arms slightly raised next to my sides ------------------- and I wake up.

I feel like I will never know the ended to this dream, as disappointing as that sounds - it got me thinking...

This dream has opened my eyes to what is going on around me. The main question is - Did I jump? Before I fell asleep, I was talking about relationships - has some moral been braided into my dream scenario?

I'll never know - but I feel like its meant to be that way. For good measure.

"Be Humble and Live, Not Just Exist" - A stranger from my dream.

The Nightmare

I slept like I was dead last night. I wont lie, it was a scary feeling waking up and realizing that I actually slept a full night. I wish I could say it was a pleasant sleep, but it was not. I was trapped in my dreams...

I have this reoccurring nightmare...I remember the first time I ever had it - I was young, and we visited family up in Canada. We stayed in a log cabin filled with moose heads, deer antlers, and other stuffed critters you'd see prancing around on an episode of Mister Rogers. Scattered throughout the entire cabin, on the walls, mantles and yes - even on the floor. It was the first time that I ever remembered falling asleep and having the exterior effect the interior.

In my dream, It started out with me sitting on the couch of the log cabin, everything was laid out exactly as it was when I saw it awake. The only difference is that every face on the mantle, floor and walls were perfectly circular faces, with a grayish "dead body" shine to their complexions - and beady black eyes, with perfectly evil grinning teeth, from corner to corner the smile never lessened - and they never spoke, they just stared and smiled. At first, I thought nothing of it - until I "woke up" ...in my dream. I thought I was awake, it felt so real...waking up in my dream turned everything back to normal - that was until I rolled over to see my twin sister laying next to me, with the same smiling face. I screamed (in my dream of course) as everyone and everything with a face has turned into these mind-twisting faces. I was afraid to look at a watch, because I feared its face has turned as well. I would be running down the streets, and everywhere I looked, everywhere I turned...these faces. It has been a face that has been burned into my head - and so it stays and haunts me.

I wouldn't wake up when I wanted too - last night I struggled underneath my sheets, a splitting migraine so bad that made it feel like my brain was melting down the back of my throat in a steady uncomfortable drip and I am unable to open my eyes and catch my breathe. The faces that have haunted me for 20 years, which I thought I would have forgotten and left them in my past, have found its way back to my dreams. What do they mean - what are they trying to tell me? These faces have pain and agony writ ting across their over-stretched uncomfortable looking grins, and their eyes swallow you up like a garbage disposal chopping and dicing the remaining scraps of a hearty dinner.

Am I this dinner? Is this is what supposed to become of me? Or are they telling me to stay away from these "faces" these people who have changed, all the same...they're all the same.

30 thousand combinations

It happened last night - boy did it start the weirdest roulette for me.

I figured out a 3-combo lock...without trying. It has been sitting in the back of the office in the Operator box, in a little porcelain coffee cup under paperclips, pen caps, rubber bands and staples. But on a night like tonight - it was dug out of the pit of office do-dads and it sat to the far right behind the front desk. Leave it to me to be the one to notice that it was out of its natural habitat and away from its coffee cup home it resided in...and something told me to play with it - so I did.

There really isn't much you can do with a 3-combo lock - twist the numbers to various combinations and pretend that you know the right sequence of numbers to unlock the strange lock. There is a key hole on the bottom for a key to unlock it in case of emergencies - but no key to be found. So there I was, just spinning the numbers, unaware of the combinations that I am creating but more the feel of the wheels and metal in between my fingertips. It worked as a stress reliever, quite helpful...last thing I would have ever thought a lock would do for me - besides keep something safe and lock something away.

Spinning the three wheels I heard a little click and the next thing I knew, the lock was dangling from the tip of my pointer finger, unlocked. I stared at it - and my boss who was next to me, was staring at me...for the lock who has been sitting the back coffee cup for years, has been figured out by a person who had no intention of breaking the lock combo. My stress reliever has been unmasked. I still play with it - as I am currently doing. I have made a connection with this lock, in which I never thought I ever could make a connection with an inanimate object. Strange. The numbers of the combination lock...have no relation to me whatsoever...they're just numbers...

The combo to the lock: 8-3-1

It just took a...

...stuffy nose and an asshole to open my eyes to what's real.

Things at home have been a little rough around the edges - and I am sure everyone has times like these where they butt heads like rams in a battle with family members. But this has been a World War III for me. I have received my battle wounds and I am weary of battle...yet I can not give up because the fight is not yet over. I constantly have to defend myself from low blows and stabs in the back...is this fight even worth it? Every successful night behind the wheel of my car to get me from point A to home...was I not reckless enough? I value my life outside the walls of my home...but inside, I am a caged animal hungry for vengeance.

It is tough figuring out who you are when you get so much shit thrown at you. When you are 20 years old, and you feel like you are 50...that is when you know you have bitten off too much to chew. Guess it is a good thing I have a big enough mouth to hold it all, but swallowing it all is a challenge.

I stand at work, behind the front desk in my neatly pressed suit. It's a repetitive motion, checking people in, going threw the routine "Welcome to the Estate.......how may I assist you?"
Well, honestly - Fuck you...How can you assist me? I spend day in and day out "assisting" people who some of them, I will never see again...corporate fuckers whose lives revolve around their work and everyone else's lives revolve around them. How is the world even functioning when the world revolves around 150thousand corporate pricks? Picky mother fuckers too - nothing is good enough for them.

Hate to break it to you, you corporate slugs - but perfection doesn't exist. I found that out the hard way.

"Thank you for staying with us...and have a wonderful day"

Day 1 - The Question

What am I?

I am the everyday Jane - the one that gets overlooked. To be born of common status and to die of common status. I am the one that is meant for bigger things, but knows that as of right now...it stands out of reach - my fingertips graze it but not enough to form a grip.

Distance is just the breach to any relationship - it is only as far as you allow it. You can be a million miles away, but still be as close as clothes are to your skin. It isn't hard to achieve, just difficult to believe it is even possible.

I am the smile that crosses your lips, and the smile that gets wiped from your face. The ups and the downs of life is what keeps me going - the fuel to the soul is what gets discarded and underestimated. I am what can't be - I only can't be it because you limit yourself. Don't, you won't get anywhere with it.

What can't I do? Most people say, "The sky is the limit" but you're wrong. The sky isn't the limit - nor is past the planets, the end of the galaxy...nay. The truth is -- There is no limit. Those who limit themselves are those who achieve only minimum satisfication in life.

So what am I?

Hard to say to be honest....

Ice Queen

It's been a while since I put a pen to paper...or fingertips to a keyboard to be more exact. It's times like these when I am speechless and impervious to what I need to write. My mind just sits there - once a brilliant brain now a pile of mush. I am just waiting for the day where my brain starts seeping out of my ears and onto my pillow at night. It feels like I have a symphony of pots and pans playing on a loop in my head that never ever seem to stop and give me a break. Its a masterpiece without an intermission. Where have I gone wrong?

I guess you can say I've been through a lot since my last post. "To Hell and Back" as they say - well...I feel like I missed the last bus back to reality and I am stuck in this Hell they call Life. I am at a low - The trust I once had for someone very close to me has been severed...the love and care I had for this person now gone. And of course, leave it to me...my motto once again comes into play, "I am just that lucky."

How can someone so close to you, sit there and call you heartless? I was told that I only think about myself...coming from the lips of someone who I thought meant the world to me. Someone who broke my trust and who just couldn't keep his damn mouth shut. People like that really piss me off...because people like that are only going to go through their entire lives using people and festering off the happiness of a person and using it against them. Its people like that that make me sick to my stomach. Well Hun - your facade has been uncovered...and you have been sought out. I know who you really are and you make me sick to my stomach. I cant believe that I ever fell for an asshole tool douche bag that you are. I guess I am never going to get away from that Home Depot Shopping. Everywhere I look there are tools everywhere and I hold the platinum-gold card to the warehouse. You changed alright...but you went back to who you used to be - someone I can't stand. Fuckers like you are the reason why Love barely exists in the world anymore...Fuckers like you.

How can one person change to the point where you do not know who they ever are anymore...the person you once knew now lost and forgotten in the woods of peril and shame. What can change a person so drastically...and so fast. Like a light switch - and poof! They're gone. As much as I am a people person, and as well as I can read people I am afraid that this has me stumped. I can admit to it though - in fact will be the first to admit it that since the new year I have changed as a person. I am still trying to figure out if it is for the better or for the worse or if there is even a middle ground to it all. If there is some limbo answer to my question I hope that its answered soon. I cant stay awake another night and go through another restless day trying to figure out what my purpose is, who I am, or if I even matter. I don't know what happened to that determined girl I used to be. She's still here I know she is...she's just lost in self-doubt and failed attempt at life.

I am not giving up...I have no reason too. My dedication and determination to so much isn't going to let me give up. I am going to keep on trucking through.

I am strong - It's going to take a lot to break me...I may have cracked a little...but I am stitched back up and stronger than ever.

A Stranger in the Mirror

It's been a while, since I actually took a good look in the mirror.

So much of a while, I can honestly say I do not recognize the girl staring back at me.

Her eyes once brown and gleaming with excitement and adventure now stare back with a glazed-over look.

The smile which once rested on her lips, right below her nose and just above her chin...just gone.

Forever forgotten.

It takes a lot to change a person - but for me, it just took one sentence. Reality never hit so hard and so low. A blow so strong, it could knock down an entire city in the blink of an eye. I just couldn't understand, I didn't know what brought those words out of her mouth. What did I even do to have her say that to me. I behave, I eat my veggies...what could it have been.

Whatever it was, she broke my heart that day...I can't say I can look at either of them the same again...especially not her. I looked up to her, she gave me everything- took me away from a horrible future I could have had...but didn't. What am I supposed to say to her?

Funny as it seems, the week started out with one hell of an adventure. It just didn't have the happiest ending...not at all. It was almost like a happily ever after, with a nasty twist. Almost like I took a bite out of the poisonous apple, and had no Prince Charming there to rescue me. It's a shit life I suppose, and we can't all be that lucky...

For once in my writing career, I am speechless. I feel like I have let so many people down in such a short amount of time...I'm guilty without a crime at hand.