You're just like the rest of them...

Funny thing is how can I be so stupid as to think differently?

So you're mad at the world...go ahead and take it out on me. Guess you can say I am used to that feeling. Im the universal punching bag for people whose lives suck. But I am used to it. Years and years of hearing the same old shit has made me numb to the actually reality of it all. Give yourself a pat on the back, you've just become another ignored figmant of my past.

So, I have been stupid thinking I needed you in my life. Like if you werent there...I couldn't breathe. Well reality check on my part. I was stupid teenage 19 year young girl, and I have my own lungs...I don't need yours.

And with the name callings? I thought elementry school was long gone for you? Can you honestly think calling me names will hurt me? Before you came around, I am sure each name has been casted my way and like a stone kicked to the side...they've been ignored. People have their opinions...just let it be.

Someone smart told me to "let it be" I don't know why I realized that I should have listened before. I'm done crying over you, you aren't worth it. You are just like the rest of them and like the rest of them, you dont matter in my life anymore.

Is this what you want? Fucking smile smartass because this is what you got.

Restless Nights

Current time: 2:39am.

It's nights like these where I wonder what's wrong with me. I used to be such a good sleeper, heavy at that. I could sleep through a war. It's funny how as you grow older you change to the point where you look back and pray to God you used to be like how you were when you were younger...Hell, I pray for that all the time.

I wish I was how I used to be, unnoticed. I know that now- where I am in life that isn't going to happen. I'm starting to realize things that I didn't realize before. I'm cutting people out of my life that I can't benefit from anymore. I'm starting to surround people who I know will be going somewhere in life. Sounds mean maybe...or maybe not. Its my crowd- people who are going places.

I'm just tired of losing people in my life, so I'm taking the higher ground. I'm doing this to prevent myself from getting hurt, smart move on my part...I'm tired of getting hurt too. It's so bad when I say, "I am used to being hurt." It's gotten to the part in a chapter in my life where I can't stand it anymore. I am changing and I have at least accepted that...but the pain- when will I ever be able to accept the pain?

Unanswered questions are my worst enemy.

Go on ahead...

No, Why not live you life?
It's only been 19 years of mine wasted on a washed up dream.

I am the washed up dream.

I have been living in fear with myself. Hard to admit but living in fear with onself is not a healthy way to live say the least. Im always afraid that someone is going to outshine me, overdo me, undermine me, forget about me. I have to say out of all of them and many more I'm sure I forgot to jot down, "Forget about me" is the one that sticks the most in my head. I mean, honestly...who isnt's afraid of being forgotten? I grew up thinking I am just one more person that isnt' important in this society we live in and I'm just a forgetable face. In the back of my mind lies the feeling that I am only cared for not because I'm a noticable face but because I am a noticable body. It's all about the material now adays... Sometimes I'll lie awake at night in my bed, wide awake just thinking...

I think too much for my own good. It isnt completely bad to say the least, but thinking too much will never give me a chance to let me stop and just be. I just want to be, nothing more nothing less. If I ever got the chance to just be...God would it be a beautiful moment, and when it happens oh I'll know for sure. I wait for this day, when I can just be.

Knowing for sure, stupid little phrase. It relates to everything you could most possibly never have. Take for example...Love. Everyone wants it, but no one knows what it is. You know what love is...Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to. In other words, it's giving someone the power to hurt you because honestly, when has love not fucked someone over? I know the only "love" I felt was "first love" which is what? "First love" is the love you think you have, because you've never felt it before...it feels good, yes- but it ends quickly and with the pain of a thousand deaths to follow. It sucked yes...but I'm sure everyone went through it at one point in their life...I just happened to get to mine at this point in my life which was supposed to be my "prime years" God, Did I love the kid...he was my everything. Funny how your everything can be taken away in the blink of an eye.

Is it okay to say you're falling for someone so far away? It can be anything from 20 minutes to 200 thousand miles away...Is it okay to say that you're falling in love with someone worlds away? It doesn't matter how far a person is...distance is still distance. Its okay though...go ahead and live your life. Talk to me when you're free and want to feel wanted and loved...Im sure we all do that to someone, I know I want to be loved and wanted- I practically live for the feeling of being accepted now. Like I said, not a healthy way of living...but Im getting through, I have the motivation of that person that is distances away...Of course all people that are forever away will have that one person that hates you and thinks that their looking out for their friend because it's in fact a billion miles away and they'll always despise you for winning the hearts of this stranger...I mean, you fell for a stranger a billion miles away? Not the case, or the verdict would oppose different. You can have your fights and you makeups, but is it even real? Real or not, just know...you're always going to be on my mind...in the back of my mind. Forever.

Touchy subjects, I'm afraid to admit...I have no shame. God blessed me with no shame and I really feel stupid saying that I have no shame, because everyone has shame at one point in their life...maybe I just havn't reached my "shame point" yet. Who knows when It will come. But Like everything else...when it comes, it will be beautiful- beautiful indeed...just like the rest of the world.

Why...

Why?

Why is everything different compaired to what we used to have. Our innocence left us the second we set foot in reality. We live off of our pride, we wake up in the middle of the night at the fear of it choking us. When is it going to hit us that life is never going to be like those black and white movies- chiverly is gone and dead, the only people who actually practice chiverly are those who will always be looked at as the underdogs. The world is full of them, Overlooked and underpaid. Working hard to a dying era. Working hard for the money they're going to waste on the girl next door that doesnt care so much for the physical but rather the material. Dont hesitate to point out the triely genuine souls. They're tough to come across now adays- I'm sure if you looked hard enough in the eyes of you lover you'll see- genuine or not, love is love, precious and true. Hold strong to it and never let it slip because once its gone...it'll take a billion lifetimes to fill that empty space again.

What is it...

Can life be given away, handed out like candy on Halloween?

Has love become as rare as a perfect day?

Perfection is a thing of the past, what we lose stays love and without knowing gets found by someone else and forever isnt ours anymore.

Is it possible to be in love with something we never laid eyes on, never touched?

To fall in love with something so far away, does love even exist in long distances, or like the wind - it changes as frequient as the tides. there is no real truth to love- every day is an excuse to look love in the face and say, "you dont exist."

Cupid works for minimum wage at the dry cleaners down the road from the only person you want.

Must be difficult knowing the person you want ccould easilly fall for someone closer to them- its a risk loving a stranger.

A beautiful incredible risk.

Let me love you, let me be the one to make you happy - let me be the one...

A front, a smile, a kiss.