The New Year

As the new year dawns upon us it really gets a person thinking. The last couple of days marked on our 365 day calenders gives us time to sit back and reflect on yet another year we just wasted. It reminds us that the hour glass of our year has been flipped over, and we get to relive it over and over again. Certain days bring back certain memories, whether it be filled with happiness, sadness, anger or remorse...we are bound to remember. We will always have those days where we will remember.

My day is the 22nd. I guess you can say it started in November, but the 22nd of every month that now passes is going to be a 22nd that I could have spent with a love that started it all...my first love. Even though some people will sit there and try to tell me to get over it, it isn't worth it - I sit there and remember that a day like the 22nd is a day that both made me and broke me. I will never forget that day...it is true, what they say - that no one forgets their first love.

Cliche to ask for world peace each new year...it's a promise that gets broken time and time again. Why bother asking for it anyway? God is no Santa Claus, God does not listen. World Peace is not going to show up under your tree or in your mailbox one day. You'd be better off asking for money back on your taxes or for your son to not slip and scrape his knee for just one week. It's upsetting when you can sit there and tell yourself that you are used to broken promises, a promise is just like the word "sorry." Both are overused, get broken easily, and don't mean a damn thing anymore in this world.

So the new year, right? A ticker clock reset to count down the same things every year. Same holidays, birthdays, historical events, memorial services, moments in life that you will never forget...it's just another day for me. Another day to wake up, shower, get my clothes on and work. Another day for me to sit there and wish I had someone to be with, as couples come in and out of my view day in and day out.

So what do I want for the new year? I wish it was easier said than done. I want to love. I want to feel wanted and to feel important to someone other than myself. I want to be that shining star for someone special. I want to be accepted and acknowledged for my thoughts and ideas. I also want to wake up from this delusional dream and realize that I'm never going to be able to have this...because people who accept this - don't exist in the world anymore.

Someone prove me wrong, I am waiting.

I am tomorrow

I am tomorrow.

Who am I to judge today?

I am the innocent, breathing in the toxic fumes of yesterday.

Wiping the blood from the torn and broken who cry over the forgotten faces of the children who run the streets at night when Mommy's at work and Daddy's away.

I am the tears that stain the cheeks of the little girls whose innocence were torn from them by the bastards who grew up without a father figure.

I am the eyes of the children who witness the bullet pierce the skin of another - the bullet unaware of color or race.

A target's a target.

I am tomorrow.

Who am I to have a say on the day after?

The future calls us names, yet we do not know what's in store for us.

Another tear, another cry, another prayer?

It all has its path through time and space.

There is no permanent foundation for improvement.

We rely on our technology like an IV in our arms.

Pumping us with the want and need to replace the physical with the technological.

We speak with our hands, thumbs cramped up with the words of a text message that suffocates our lungs to meet face to face with the now stranger on the receiving end of our messages.

Technology has become our heart, our blood flows with the vessels of Myspace and Facebook.

The germs from an open cut festers with friend requests and comments from people who you will never see face to face.

This is the now.

What does tomorrow hold?

What is my job, my place?

If today is bad - will tomorrow be worse?

Am I the cause of a dying generation?

No, I am tomorrow.

The Tool Shed

...I feel like I'm shopping at Home Depot, there are so many god damn tools around me...

The Nightmare

Part of a Nightmare, for the story I'm writing...Enjoy.

He stumbles backwards, reaching into his coat, withdrawing a throwing knide and throwing it at Angel. Kayan quickly jumps into the way, the knife jamming into his heart. His eyes flashwhite, then pale blue as he hits the ground. Blood from his chest leaked out onto the tile. Angel watching in horror, feeling his rage build again...His entire clan, dead, a wind grows in the room, causing his trench to drift slowly, his hair gently moving about. A thing glowing silver line grows down the center of each eye, slowly spreading outwards, until his eyes are completely silver, his pupils black as night, the filling turns red. showng the rage built up inside...the wind in the room picks up as Angel looks over his target, Legna. The wind suddenly stops as Angel begins to charge, his disappears, suddenly re-appearing in front of him, ramming his sword through Legna's chest and out the other side, blood spraying on the wall. Everythng grows silent as Legna pulls himself off the sword, smiling. "I knew you had it in you brother, now if you'll excuse me...I have business to attend too" Angel freezes, unable to move as legna walks past him. When he gets next to him, Legna takes his sword and clubs Angel in the back of the head with it. Slowly, he falls to the ground, blacking out. The last thing he remembers is Legna laughing, and the smell of fire.

The "silent film" effect

Its tough to get through nights like these. Its nights such as this one in particular where I stand here and contemplate everything around me. I could never understand why, but I guess it's nights like these where it brings out the best in me...perhaps.

I am standing behind the desk at my work. No, I am no slacker - if anything the night is slacking on me. This happens around every holiday season, check ins slow down and when I mean slow down, I mean stop. Not that I am complaining at all...besides the fact that sometimes it can be a little drab, the front desk is all around a good time when I make it one.

I am the youngest to work behind the front desk. It has its perks, ups and downs to say the least, but then again what job doesn't? I am always the one to get told I am wrong. I think It's the age thing, but I always get caught with the guests that check in that tell me I am wrong for doing something that I know how to do for my job. Funny how they turn around and apologize when they realize that my age has nothing to do with my knowledge of my own job. I mean, heaven forbid if the 2 months of training I put into my job so I can run the joint meant nothing and just went in one ear and out the other, then we'd all be in trouble. I am always the one to get hit on by the older foreign gentlemen, asking me to go out and get a drink. I mean, buddy c'mon...drinking might be legal in your country but I'm a couple years short over here champ. That's okay, I don't want to have a drink with a wealthy business man anyway (I heard the conversation is all numbers anyway.)

It's so quiet...I have worked here long enough to completely void out the sound of the classical music that flows through the speakers here at the Estate. I've come to realize from working here...I despise classical with every bone, muscle, hair and germ on my body. Sad I know...I never got anything out of it.

Is it wrong to say that majority of my life now feels like I'm in a silent film. Work was only the start of it, but now...has it branched off to more than work? Has it been affecting my everyday life? I'm starting to think so...Everything has become black and white for me, and quiet...so quiet.

I'm tied to the tracks waiting for my saver...how long is it going to be until the train hits?

The Turn-around

I cried the other day.

But for the first time in I can't even remember...they were not tears of pain.

I had just got home from work, it was about 11:30ish at night. Around 60 degrees with a slight breeze, and a perfectly clear sky. As stressful work was, when I stepped out of my car...it was like the stress was left in my car and I was okay.

I laid on the top of my car, for a good 45mins, just looking at the stars. I couldn't believe how gorgeous they were...If there was anything I could always and forever be in love with- the stars would be it.

When I was younger, my dad asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I looked at him and I told him, "I want to be a star in the sky" Although he looked at me like I was crazy, I knew I was in the right mindset. When he returned with the question, "a star?" I began to explain:

"I want to be that star that the one kid picks out of all the other stars too call their own. I want to be apart of something bigger than I am, like a constellations or a galaxy."

To this day, I still live by it.

Laying on the top of my mini, looking up at the stars...I started crying, I did not know why I was crying, but they weren't tears of pain. I began talking to the stars, venting to them as the breeze continued to blow its course around me.

I knew it wasn't just the Breeze.

"Thank you God," Is the words that escaped my lips next. Why those words, I do not know. "Thank you God, I am sorry for being so sad and hurting." I decided to just let the words come out, like word vomit, I could not help it. It was like I was meant to say it, Like I was meant to tell God. "Thank you God, I am sorry for being so sad and hurting, and I promise to be happier..." It just kept going, and I kept crying. I can't explain the feeling of self control I lacked on the top of my car, but I was almost to the point of screaming when I finished the vent. "Thank you God, I am sorry for being so sad and hurting, and I promise to be happier- I really do. Im going to be happier for you, for my friends, and for me. Please tell them I will always love them, and yes...you can even tell him too. Just let them know. Thank you...Thank you so much for everything...and thank you for listening." the breeze that hit me next was stronger then the rest, just enough to slightly realize it. I knew then, that God was listening...that he heard my cries, my screams towards the stars. I took a heavy sigh of almost relief and went inside, going to sleep.

Waking up, I felt lighter. It was just light enough to make me smile...Actually smile. I know I am going to remember this night, The night I made a connection with MY higher Power, MY nature, MY love.

"I am the vines, you are the branches. Those who abide in me and I in them shall bear fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing" -John 15:5

You're just like the rest of them...

Funny thing is how can I be so stupid as to think differently?

So you're mad at the world...go ahead and take it out on me. Guess you can say I am used to that feeling. Im the universal punching bag for people whose lives suck. But I am used to it. Years and years of hearing the same old shit has made me numb to the actually reality of it all. Give yourself a pat on the back, you've just become another ignored figmant of my past.

So, I have been stupid thinking I needed you in my life. Like if you werent there...I couldn't breathe. Well reality check on my part. I was stupid teenage 19 year young girl, and I have my own lungs...I don't need yours.

And with the name callings? I thought elementry school was long gone for you? Can you honestly think calling me names will hurt me? Before you came around, I am sure each name has been casted my way and like a stone kicked to the side...they've been ignored. People have their opinions...just let it be.

Someone smart told me to "let it be" I don't know why I realized that I should have listened before. I'm done crying over you, you aren't worth it. You are just like the rest of them and like the rest of them, you dont matter in my life anymore.

Is this what you want? Fucking smile smartass because this is what you got.

Restless Nights

Current time: 2:39am.

It's nights like these where I wonder what's wrong with me. I used to be such a good sleeper, heavy at that. I could sleep through a war. It's funny how as you grow older you change to the point where you look back and pray to God you used to be like how you were when you were younger...Hell, I pray for that all the time.

I wish I was how I used to be, unnoticed. I know that now- where I am in life that isn't going to happen. I'm starting to realize things that I didn't realize before. I'm cutting people out of my life that I can't benefit from anymore. I'm starting to surround people who I know will be going somewhere in life. Sounds mean maybe...or maybe not. Its my crowd- people who are going places.

I'm just tired of losing people in my life, so I'm taking the higher ground. I'm doing this to prevent myself from getting hurt, smart move on my part...I'm tired of getting hurt too. It's so bad when I say, "I am used to being hurt." It's gotten to the part in a chapter in my life where I can't stand it anymore. I am changing and I have at least accepted that...but the pain- when will I ever be able to accept the pain?

Unanswered questions are my worst enemy.

Go on ahead...

No, Why not live you life?
It's only been 19 years of mine wasted on a washed up dream.

I am the washed up dream.

I have been living in fear with myself. Hard to admit but living in fear with onself is not a healthy way to live say the least. Im always afraid that someone is going to outshine me, overdo me, undermine me, forget about me. I have to say out of all of them and many more I'm sure I forgot to jot down, "Forget about me" is the one that sticks the most in my head. I mean, honestly...who isnt's afraid of being forgotten? I grew up thinking I am just one more person that isnt' important in this society we live in and I'm just a forgetable face. In the back of my mind lies the feeling that I am only cared for not because I'm a noticable face but because I am a noticable body. It's all about the material now adays... Sometimes I'll lie awake at night in my bed, wide awake just thinking...

I think too much for my own good. It isnt completely bad to say the least, but thinking too much will never give me a chance to let me stop and just be. I just want to be, nothing more nothing less. If I ever got the chance to just be...God would it be a beautiful moment, and when it happens oh I'll know for sure. I wait for this day, when I can just be.

Knowing for sure, stupid little phrase. It relates to everything you could most possibly never have. Take for example...Love. Everyone wants it, but no one knows what it is. You know what love is...Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to. In other words, it's giving someone the power to hurt you because honestly, when has love not fucked someone over? I know the only "love" I felt was "first love" which is what? "First love" is the love you think you have, because you've never felt it before...it feels good, yes- but it ends quickly and with the pain of a thousand deaths to follow. It sucked yes...but I'm sure everyone went through it at one point in their life...I just happened to get to mine at this point in my life which was supposed to be my "prime years" God, Did I love the kid...he was my everything. Funny how your everything can be taken away in the blink of an eye.

Is it okay to say you're falling for someone so far away? It can be anything from 20 minutes to 200 thousand miles away...Is it okay to say that you're falling in love with someone worlds away? It doesn't matter how far a person is...distance is still distance. Its okay though...go ahead and live your life. Talk to me when you're free and want to feel wanted and loved...Im sure we all do that to someone, I know I want to be loved and wanted- I practically live for the feeling of being accepted now. Like I said, not a healthy way of living...but Im getting through, I have the motivation of that person that is distances away...Of course all people that are forever away will have that one person that hates you and thinks that their looking out for their friend because it's in fact a billion miles away and they'll always despise you for winning the hearts of this stranger...I mean, you fell for a stranger a billion miles away? Not the case, or the verdict would oppose different. You can have your fights and you makeups, but is it even real? Real or not, just know...you're always going to be on my mind...in the back of my mind. Forever.

Touchy subjects, I'm afraid to admit...I have no shame. God blessed me with no shame and I really feel stupid saying that I have no shame, because everyone has shame at one point in their life...maybe I just havn't reached my "shame point" yet. Who knows when It will come. But Like everything else...when it comes, it will be beautiful- beautiful indeed...just like the rest of the world.

Why...

Why?

Why is everything different compaired to what we used to have. Our innocence left us the second we set foot in reality. We live off of our pride, we wake up in the middle of the night at the fear of it choking us. When is it going to hit us that life is never going to be like those black and white movies- chiverly is gone and dead, the only people who actually practice chiverly are those who will always be looked at as the underdogs. The world is full of them, Overlooked and underpaid. Working hard to a dying era. Working hard for the money they're going to waste on the girl next door that doesnt care so much for the physical but rather the material. Dont hesitate to point out the triely genuine souls. They're tough to come across now adays- I'm sure if you looked hard enough in the eyes of you lover you'll see- genuine or not, love is love, precious and true. Hold strong to it and never let it slip because once its gone...it'll take a billion lifetimes to fill that empty space again.

What is it...

Can life be given away, handed out like candy on Halloween?

Has love become as rare as a perfect day?

Perfection is a thing of the past, what we lose stays love and without knowing gets found by someone else and forever isnt ours anymore.

Is it possible to be in love with something we never laid eyes on, never touched?

To fall in love with something so far away, does love even exist in long distances, or like the wind - it changes as frequient as the tides. there is no real truth to love- every day is an excuse to look love in the face and say, "you dont exist."

Cupid works for minimum wage at the dry cleaners down the road from the only person you want.

Must be difficult knowing the person you want ccould easilly fall for someone closer to them- its a risk loving a stranger.

A beautiful incredible risk.

Let me love you, let me be the one to make you happy - let me be the one...

A front, a smile, a kiss.

A beautiful Mind

We think about the whole, "I avoid you, you avoid me" thing as a way to get over it, when in reality it's just causing us to think about it more. We dwell on the things in life we disapprove of - and in judgement to our society our disapprovements are our most valued treasures.

Flaws are the new Perfection, and perfection never looked so beautiful. What we hate about a person ends up being what we want most in life. The things we cannot have are the things God gave to others to attract us to the wonders that lie beyond the picket fences and the cobblestoned driveways. A world where beauty lies in the most ugliest things. Reality is just another day away.

So what do we do? How are we supposed to grasp this new perfect, taste the forbidden fruit of what we yern for so much. Is it not fair that we did not get what we wanted most, but in the hand weighed by God what you wanted was passed on to someone who you despise. Does it make sense that the person you despise in the matter of moments becomes the person you want so bad, just so you can be greedy. Greed is a sin, but its the most aquanted sin thus far. Its the only sin that, knowing or not, you cannot live without it, no matter how hard you think you can, you fail.

Life isnt fair, give and take is just a game of chutes and ladders. You cant take too much because it will send you down the chute to the bottom of the pit, but if you take the right amount youll be able to climb that ladder that stretches up to the pedestool to success. How are you supposed to know the right amount? Where is the book that has the exact answer to the problem which lies at your feet. You trip over the simpliest things that cause you the biggest discomfort. When is it going to get easier, is it ever going too just ease up and slow down. Slow motion never looked so comforting. Is success really supposed to be so out of reach?

The only "walk in the park" we get to have is a walk that involves obsticles. Broken down branches and moldy benches that prevent you from resting your weary feet. Your muscles ache from the strain of the world. What can you do from it, sit on the grass? It's a lie when they say the grass is greener on the other side of the hill. How would you know that's a fact when you cant see the other side of the hill...because its a hill. Anything could be on the other side of that hill. More grass, an apartment complex, or even the end of the earth. Perhaps the Egyptians were right and the world really is flat, it ends on the other side of that famous "grass is greener on the other side" hill.

My mind draws a blank on whats supposed to be put here next. Maybe there really isn't anything else to say, have I made a point, or was this just a pointless ramble from the mind of a crazy woman. Nevertheless, this piece of work came from a beautiful mind, a flawed mind. A mind molded to the point where the clay has begun to crack. Rejuvenated by the simple touch of water to the source and the oasis replenishes its love for what is far from perfect, the beauty in life isnt in a photoshopped portrait but in the simpliest most flawed things we crave to own or have the pleasure to own ourselves.

Perfect does exist, we just have to look ugly to achieve it. I play my part...I think its time you start playing yours.